Auntie Alias

Welcome

Auntie Alias is a syndicated columnist, whose advice appears in at least one satirical news website. In her lengthy career, her advice has led to the invention of the printing press, the discovery the source of the Nile River, and, in 1349, the end of the Black Plague in Europe. She regrets she was unable to prevent Yoko Ono from breaking up the Beatles. Her published works include the first known English translation of "Alice in Wonderland".

There's No There there!

Dear Auntie Alias,

I need my fix! I really miss There when it's not available. I feel like I'm going crazy! What can I do?

Hurtin' and Not There

Dear Hurtin'

Believe me, Auntie knows what you're going through! We addicts have several tricks for getting through those dry spells. Here's a few that work for me:

Take all of your screen shots -- you DO collect screen shots, don't you? -- and load them into a viewer. Flip between pictures... and presto! It's like a little There movie! Whenever the scene changes too much, say things like, "Woah, lag's bad tonight! This sucks!" Take a shot of the teleport screen, and insert it between pictures of different places; this adds what film buffs call "verisimilitude", but I think it just makes it more believable. It helps to have been drinking.
Go into the forums, and post things like, "Only 62 hours, 47 minutes and 18 seconds to go". Make it a new topic, even if there's already one active. Start another one in five minutes. Don't limit yourself to just one forum, either. While you're in there, start a flame war! It helps to have been drinking.
Take your newfound spare time and do something useful with it. Spend precious time with your children; let them drink from your fountain of knowledge! Teach them valuable life skills, like always check the Shop price for There items in auction, or how to level up in Fashionista using macros. It helps to have been drinking.

There you go, I hope this gets you through the hard times ahead! Auntie has one more trick to help her, whenever she's locked out of There; she answers letters from her readers, like you! It helps to have been drinking.

Confidential To Lassie, Come Home: She's gone, hon, I'm sorry. Believe me, it's for the best. This isn't how you level up at Dog Lover.

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Who's out There?

Dear Auntie Alias,

I've heard there are many people with more than one avatar in There. What's up with that?

Want Another Avie Here

Dear WAAH,

Well, Auntie's got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, there's really only a very few people with more than one avatar. The bad news is, those few have ALL the other avatars in There! Most nights, there are actually only about a dozen people in There: you, plus ten or eleven There employees in Master Control, whose job it is to make all the other avatars run around and look busy (it's all done with macros -- even the dogs!). Don't believe your Auntie? Consider the facts:

Think of the last time you were in a conversation with more than two people; at least one of the group is always AFK, with the little green visor, right? This is the 'puppet master' -- the one who's actually controlling the other avatars in the conversation! It's a dead giveway when you know what to look for. Sometimes, a large, active convo will need two or even three puppet masters.

A popular misconception is that 'lag' is cause by some sort of network or hardware performance problem. Ha! They want you to blame your system. Nothing could be further from the truth. Lag is caused when it's time for one or more of the There puppet masters to make something different happen. Lag is worst when they're temporarily short-staffed, like when one of them is off for a coffee break.

Want proof? Head towards Karuna Plaza. They hate Karuna, it means they all have to work extra hard, just to make it seem crowded. There's always a delay as they wind up some extra avatars and set them to run around aimlessly, or stand in the spas, or just hang around in conversation groups. The conversations are all simple looping macros -- a few complaints about lag, change outfits, complain about rude teens, change outfits, exchange compliments on each others' outfits, pretend to go afk to shop for each other's outfits, change into each other's outfits, make some newbie jokes, change outfits, complain about griefers, change outfits, repeat.

Now, from Karuna, teleport somewhere else. It takes a while, doesn't it? That's because they have to a) get to where you're going before you do, and b) fire up some new avatars. Once you've arrived, pull out a hoverboard and zoom off in a random direction. What happens? Lag! This gives them time to figure out where you're headed and set up what's going to be happening when you get there!

Once you've been on for a while, they can tune in your brainwaves through your computer and read your mind. That makes it easier to anticipate your every move. And that's why newbies experience more lag.

Don't try to jerk them around like this too often, though, or they'll catch on. Then they'll just drop you in some valley while they ALL go for a coffee. Or they'll kick the plug on the server and take the rest of the night off.

Why do they perpetrate this elaborate hoax? I've heard it's part of a complex scheme to manipulate the earth's magnetosphere for our alien overlords. But I think that's just a cover story. Nobody would believe the truth...

Hey, cheer up! This shouldn't come as too much of a surprise, right? You must know there's nobody real out here on the Internet, except you and your Auntie.

And Auntie's not too sure about you...

Confidential to HostessWithMostess: Yes, you can substitute cheese spread for plastic wrap, but decrease the corn oil by 1/2 cup per person, and be careful not to over-inflate!

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Nephew Tom sits in for Auntie

[During the Great NorthEastern Blackout, Auntie was unavailable. Auntie's nephew Tom kindly consented to fill in.]

Dear Nephew Tom,

I think there should be a greater variety of shoes in There. I've looked all over the auctions, and have yet to find a decent saddle shoe, or jester shoe with bells, or even a simple bowling shoe. If you're planning on going public any time soon, you're gonna want some shoes!

Barefoot by Choice

Dear Barefoot,

It seems we've dropped the ball on shoes. We're definitely listening! The challenge moving ahead is to keep There an exciting pedal environment, without forgetting for a second our responsibilities to the other extremities.

Our engineers are working diligently to improve the situation, and while I cannot commit at this time, I can assure you that a variety of new foot coverings are under consideration for the next release.

Thank you very much for your patience.

Dear Nephew Tom,

It seems wherever I go in Tiki, I hear birds! But I never see any! Why is that?

Birds on the Brain

Dear Birds,

It seems we've dropped the ball on birds. We're definitely listening! The challenge moving ahead is to keep There an exciting avian environment, without forgetting for a second our responsibilities to the other taxonomic categories.

Our engineers are working diligently to improve the situation, and while I cannot commit at this time, I can assure you that a variety of new ornithological species are under consideration for the next release.

Thank you very much for your patience.

Dear Nephew Tom,

Why is it that the water in There is hard? I don't want to drive on it, I want to swim in it, and under it!

High and Dry

Dear High,

It seems we've dropped the ball on water. We're definitely listening! The challenge moving ahead is to keep There an exciting aqueous environment, without forgetting for a second our responsibilities to the other classical Greek elementary components of matter.

Our engineers are working diligently to improve the situation, and while I cannot commit at this time, I can assure you that a variety of new hydrological activities are under consideration for the next release.

Thank you very much for your patience.

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To Catch a Pervert

Dear Auntie Alias,

I'm a 43 year-old male FBI agent posing as a 12-year old girl on the Internet. I keep hearing about perverts who try to pick up young girls in chat rooms, but I haven't been able to find any. My supervisor is getting on my case. What am I doing wrong?

LegalEagle

Dear LegalEagle,

Ahhh, if Auntie only had a kiss for every time she's had to help an FBI agent find a pervert! She'd need a whole case of lipstick! For the record, there are NO perverts in There. Not any good ones, anyway, although one or two show some promise. Auntie can't wait 'till they get to high school...

With that said, here, once more, are just a few of Auntie's tips for finding perverts on the Internet:

When chatting, a young girl NEVER asks, "Hunk-O-Luv, what's your 20?"
NEVER end a chat with a prospective pervert by saying "10-4, LittleSuzi out"
Young girls do not have email addresses ending in "fbi.gov"
Beware of befriending other 12-year old girls on the Internet; they're either perverts or FBI agents, or both: real 12-year-old girls pose as 22-year old girls, or as FBI agents.
If someone you've met in a chat room asks where they can meet you, the mall is GOOD, the gun club is BAD
When someone on the Internet asks if you've got a nice rack, they are NOT referring to the one in your pickup truck
On the Internet, most 30-something perverts who stalk 12-year-old girls are actually 13-year-old boys trying to get a date

Finally, Auntie is NOT stalking young girls on the Internet. She's stalking FBI agents, and THAT's legal.

Good luck, but don't arrest them all! Save some for Auntie!

Confidential to GoingForGold: I believe the current records are 5 in parallel, 27 serial. Make sure you shave them, first -- you DON'T want them all scratchy, Auntie knows! And large-curd cottage cheese works best; you'll probably need the whole drum. Good Luck!

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Is my avatar gay?

Dear Auntie Alias,

I'm a heterosexual male, 37, happily married. Naturally, I have a male avatar. The problem is, lately I've noticed my avatar seems only interested in talking to other male avatars: it looks and smiles at them often, and seems to ignore the female avatars in sexy outfits. I think my avatar is gay! What should I do?

Locked In Closet

Dear Locked,

First, you are not the first straight male to find he has a gay avatar. There is nothing wrong with this, it's perfectly normal; some avatars are just created that way. Nobody knows how this happens, but it does. Interestingly, it seems almost all female avatars are bisexual.

But -- and I use the term advisedly -- I'm afraid Auntie must be the bearer of some bad news. An avatar that seems uncomfortable in the presence of scantily-clad females might not be gay at all. It may be much worse. Your avatar may be a Baptist.

The test for this is simple: if your avatar can dance, he is gay; if not, he's a Baptist.

Research has shown that becoming a Baptist is almost certainly only the first symptom in a long downward slide towards -- and I'm sorry to break it to you like this -- Republicanism. Once an avatar has succumbed and become a Republican he will naturally attract and gravitate towards other Republicans, and ultimately your time in There will become so mind-numbingly dull you might as well be playing TSO.

I'm afraid there's not much you can do to prevent this gradual decay. Some folks have had success in delaying the initial infection of Republicanism by avoiding known Republicans. You might try to start a club for Gay Catholic Democrats. The only crowd less likely to meet a Republican would be women's rights activists.

Confidential to LookingForLove: Never, ever use live ones. You'll get an awful rash! Auntie knows!

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13 year-old Girl

Dear Auntie Alias,

I am a 13 year-old girl, but in There I tell everyone I'm 22. I met this really cute guy in There -- he's 22, too! He thinks I'm really pretty, and he loves 'N Sync, like me, and we both think Justin Timberlake is sooooo cute! We even have the same birthday! What are the odds? I really like him, and he wants me to be his girlfriend. The problem is, he wants more. He says guys have certain "needs". I don't think I'm ready to cyber yet. What if I'm not good at it? My question is, how come I keep losing items out of my inventory whenever I log in?

Puzzled in Peoria

Dear PiP,

You are definitely not alone! Many young girls face your dilemma! It is important to remember you are NOT the first to have this problem, and it is important to talk about these issues with someone you trust. Your Auntie trusts There_Helper, and so I asked him for advice -- not just for you, but for all the girls who find themselves in this situation every day. Right now I'm number 3 in the queue, so stay tuned!

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Rasher Rage

Dear Auntie Alias,

I just joined There and I've already made some l33t friends! We love to drive around in our buggies and run over people -- it's a hoot! Sometimes we put up big signs to block entrances to funzones -- but only when the operator is a jerk and asks us to leave. I mean, we're allowed have fun, right? Right now, we're blocking off all entrances to the crystal caves in Tyr, so we can use it for a clubhouse. My question is, why can't road rashing count towards Buggy Driver experience?

Why Can't I Have Fun?

Dear WCIHF,

Road rashing WILL help you level up, but not as fast as driving off in other people's buggies (hint: most newbies don't know how to retrieve). The problem is that some folks are anti-social, and insist on using their force-fields inappropriately. Ask them politely to turn off their forcefields. If they don't, it helps to put these creeps on ignore. If you MUST rash, try to find places where there are large crowds -- the more the merrier! Your Auntie managed to sneak a buggy into Karuna Plaza one time, and levelled up to Adept in one glorious rashing spree! That was in PB2, before force-fields though. You young people have it harder, for sure.

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