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There Renovation
This was a series of posts I made at a time when the Breakfast
Thread was losing steam. There had been a lot of drama and
flamewars in the forums, some people were leaving, and some were
moving out of the public threads into club forums. I thought
it might help if the Breakfast Thread got a renovation, so...
(Found in Buzz Forum, one Friday Morning...)
BREAKFAST THREAD CLOSED DURING RENOVATION
SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE!
<door is locked, windows papered over>
<sounds of hammering, sawing, and low-grade demolition explosives>
<muffled voices:>
"Hey, Tony! Whatcha want me to do wit' dis crate?"
"I dunno, what's in it?"
"Says here, 'DONUT OPEN'"
"Say what? donuts? What a minute! Dat's not' DONUT', it's 'DO NOT'
-- 'DO NOT OPEN', ya moron!" <smack>
"Sorry, Tony..."
"Sheesh! It also says 'THIS SIDE UP', but dey never paid no
attention to DAT, neither -- nevah mind, jus' geddidadaheah... and
use the jackhammer, get da rest of dat marshmallow crap off da
walls."
... to be continued...
(...and Saturday Morning...)
This is NOT the Saturday Morning Breakfast Thread...
And I have NO IDEA who left this cart full of fresh pastries here.
The public Breakfast Thread is still closed for renovation. The
doors remain locked, and there's still paper over the windows, but
if you press your face right up to the glass you can see in through
a small tear near one edge.
They've knocked out a few walls, in order to take over a lot of
space that used to belong to the old Likes forum. They found old
secret passageways between the forums, too, which explains how a lot
of threads could start out over *here* and wind up over *there*.
There's been a LOT of plumbing going on, and they've been spraying a
ton of that tough-but-soft foam stuff over the walls, ceiling and
floors.
A small sign is posted, too:
"Help wanted, male and female.
Must be flexible and willing to work in a variety of positions.
Extensive training provided.
No uniform required."
who ordered this boatload of bananas? it needs to be unloaded so the
boat full of coffee can dock...
"Hey, Tony! We got a boatload of bananas here. Where d'ya wannem?"
"Ahhh, sheesh, put 'em inna pantry, where else? But make sure ya
count 'em!"
"Uhhhh, Tony, you know I ain't so good with numbers..."
"See dat guy, over deah? He'll put em' on a tally sheet for ya. But
get it done before morning, or you don't leave!"
"Uhhhh okay, Tony... Hey! Mr. Tally Man! Tally me bananas! Daylight
come an' I wanna go home!"
<smack>
"Sorry, Tony..."
(...and Sunday Morning...)
This is NOT the Sunday Morning Breakfast Thread
You are standing in front of the public Breakfast Thread. It is
closed for renovations. The doors are locked, and the windows are
covered with paper. A small tear in the paper allows a peek inside.
Forums lead off in all directions.
There are delicious pastries here!
There is hot coffee here!
There are refreshing cold drinks here!
>take coffee and pastry
coffee:taken
pastry:taken
>sip coffee
Sssluuurp! You feel wide awake now.
You are getting hungry. Maybe a smackerel of something?
>eat pastry
Mmmmm! Your tummy's full and you are ready to face the day.
[Your score went up by 7 points.]
>look inside Breakfast Thread
You press your face to the window to peek through the tear, and see:
An eyeball peeking back at you. You hear a muffled shriek and
scuffling noises.
>go North
This is the Off-Topics Forum. Forums lead off in all directions.
If you post here you will likely be eaten by a troll.
> go West
This is the Connect With the MAB forum. Forums lead off in all
directions.
Your keyboard is glowing blue!
You are surrounded by trolls!
>run SouthEast
You slip through a crack in the forum wall, into a secret passage.
You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
>go North
You are in the old Dislikes forum. The main entrance has been sealed
off, and the place
has become a breeding ground for trolls (you do NOT want to know how
trolls breed).
The stench is overwhelming. You cannot remain here.
>go South
You slip through a crack in the forum wall, into a secret passage.
You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
>go NorthEast
You are in the Advertisements and Announcements forum.
You are becoming very bored and sleepy.
>go North
You are in the Buzz forum.
Your keyboard is glowing blue!
There is a large, ugly troll here!
>fight troll with keyboard
You post at the troll. A hit!
You become larger and uglier.
The troll posts at you. A hit!
The troll becomes larger and uglier.
Your keyboard is glowing blue!
There is a large, ugly troll here!
>fight troll with keyboard
You post at the troll. A hit!
You become larger and uglier.
The troll posts at you. A miss!
Your keyboard is glowing blue!
There is a large, ugly troll here!
>fight troll with keyboard
You post at the troll. A hit!
You become larger and uglier.
You have become a troll!
[Your score went down by 20 points.]
The troll posts at you. A hit!
The troll becomes larger and uglier.
Your keyboard is glowing blue!
There are two large, ugly trolls here!
>laugh at troll
You post humorously at the troll. A hit!
The troll becomes smaller and less ugly.
The troll posts at you. A miss!
Your keyboard is glowing blue!
There are two large, ugly trolls here!
>laugh at troll
You post humorously at the troll. A hit!
The troll becomes smaller and less ugly.
The troll posts at you. A miss!
Your keyboard is glowing blue!
There are two large, ugly trolls here!
>laugh at troll
You post humorously at the troll. A hit!
The troll disappears!
Your keyboard is glowing blue!
There a large, ugly troll here!
>laugh at self
You post humorously at yourself. A hit!
The troll disappears!
You are your normal size, and no uglier than when you started.
[Your score went up by 30 points.]
(...and finally, Monday Morning...)
Grand Re-Opening of Newly Renovated Breakfast Thread!
Welcome! The long-awaited re-opening of the Breakfast Thread is a
gala affair! The red carpet is out for you, and the newly-hired
staff are lined up to welcome new visitors and greet familiar
friends.
As we arrive at the entrance, the doors sweep open and we step into
the cavernous, yet newly renovated and Bacio-friendly lobby.
Overhead, the enormous handcrafted chandelier glows warmly,
reflecting from the hand-rubbed wood panelling and polished brass
fixtures.
On the left, we see the cabana boys, freshly oiled, all tanned,
gleaming muscle; to the right, the au-pair girls. curvaceous and
long-limbed. All are lightly uniformed, on their very best behaviour,
and exist only to make your Breakfast Thread experience a
pleasurable one!
Moving forward, we come to the buffet, where our new staff of highly
skilled Cordon-Bleu gnome chefs wait to whip up delicacies from
around the world, or around the corner, at your slightest whim. Our
house coffee is a very special secret blend, involving coffee beans
from foreign countries, and prepared with our unique method of
gently grinding the roasted beans and applying boiling water. Of
course, we also have hot and cold refreshments of every description,
including a last-minute addition: watermelon juice!
Across the lobby from the buffet, we can see the armory, where
armament and breakfast munition experts Sven and Lars provide a
variety of popular food launchers, as well as souvenir Breakfast
Thread t-shirts, mugs, and postcards. Custom orders a specialty!
Progressing from the lobby into the Breakfast Thread proper, we find
a spacious, yet oh-so-cozy area decorated with an eclectic but
coherent blend of Mom's Kitchen, and Medieval Dungeon. Our staff can
create personalized decor for any area on an instant's notice. Your
wish is our command!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, mesdames et messieurs, with that
brief, yet at the same time short tour, I shall leave you to enjoy
your new Breakfast Thread. We have many more rooms and services than
I have shown you here, and I encourage you to explore and discover
those for yourselves. Please keep your arms and legs inside the
thread at all times, and remain seated unless you are not.
Enjoy!
(selected replies to Monday's post)
>>Icedoll walks in SMOKING...
The state-of-the-art ventilation system automatically isolates
Icedoll in a ventilation zone of her own, moving with her as she
moves. When the hazard-control system realizes she's smoking, but
does not actually have a cigarette, it dumps 250 gallons of water on
her, which is instantly whisked away by the drainage system. A warm
drying breeze begins to ruffle her hair and clothing...
*Kally_Lunch runs through the lobby and into the whatchamacallit,
not stopping for no one and nothing till I get my dose of iced
coffee*
*looks around for the window seat*
"Uhhh....Rej............"
*runs over to Rej and taps her shoulder*
Tony! We need a window seat NOW! How could you let this happen!
<checks renovation plans>
It was supposed to be right... here!
<whirlwind of dust (whisked away by the ventilation system), out of
which come sounds of much hammering and sawing>
... and voila! Window seat for Kally! Big enough to share!
Welcome Taini! I have a special Canadian cabana boy for you. <snaps
fingers> Marcel! Over here! Taini, this is Marcel, he's also a ski
instructor. Marcel, she's a noob: be gentle with her, and show her
ummm... a good time!
And Tony, change the padlock on that door, would you? Kally's almost
got that one picked...
>>Genevieve: I've been waiting on my omelette all morning. What
gives?
It's a *buffet* Geneveive. You have to get it yourself, or have a
cabana boy fetch for you.
<snaps fingers> Hans! over here! This is Geneveive. She requires
your undivided attention. Gen, this is Hans, he's a Swiss alpenhorn
player. What he can't do with his lips just isn't worth doing...
>>*Genevieve takes off jinx_tv leather sandals* Oh Hans!!! foot
massage please! take your shoes off and join me, Theona. Hans has 2
hands for a reason!!!
Nonsense, Gen. A good foot massage requires two hands and the full
concentration of the masseur!
<snap>Juan! Front and center please! Theona needs a foot rub! Theona,
Juan is a rugged yet sensitive cliff diver from Acapulco. I'm sure
his hands will meet with your approval...
<snap>Suzette! Attend Mr Rush, s'il vous plait! Mr_Rush, this is
Suzette, she's a dancer from the Moulin Rouge in Paris. See to it he
lacks for nothing! Including an ash tray...
<snap>Kurt, please make sure Viv has everything she needs.
Everything! Viv, Kurt is an expert Austrian free climber. His finger
and toes are very...fit.
(...and Tuesday Morning...)
Come to Breakfast! Tuesday is Croissant Day!
Okay, I *know* it's early in North America for breakfast, but not in
Europe, so I'm taking advantage of some upgrades I had installed, so
I can go to bed at a decent time :)
<unlocks hidden control box with thumbprint and retina scan>
<sets timer, pushes Big Red Button, closes control box>
"Breakfast Thread reset will occur at 12:00 midnight local time.
Countdown has begun..."
Goodnight everyone! See you in the morning!
.
.
.
"Warning, Breakfast Thread reset is about to begin... All guests
will now be ejected."
If you were one of those remaining guests, you would now find
yourself miraculously deposited at the entrance to the Breakfast
Thread. You would find that the doors are locked, but only for a few
moments more.
"3...2...1..."
"Commencing Breakfast Thread reset..."
As the countdown approaches zero, the klaxons begin to wail, and
rotating red alarm lights pop out from the ceiling and wash across
every surface. The staff scramble madly to reach the nearest brass
handrails, which have been installed at intervals around the
perimeter of the lobby. At the buffet, protective armored plating
drops around the food tables with a series of loud crashes, and the
watertight doors between adjoining areas inexorably begin to close.
Alas, Suzette is a little late this evening. Though brave Kurt tries
heroically to reach her outflung hand, she is torn from his grasp as
a raging torrent of icy water roars through the Breakfast Thread,
washing before it all the detritus of the day: the leftover food,
coffee grounds, teabags, dishes, ashtrays, linens, the staff's
hastily removed uniforms (conveniently disposable), and the
unfortunate Suzette.
With an enormous flushing sound, the flood is gone as quickly as it
came, leaving the Breakfast Thread and staff sparkley and fresh, and
poor Suzette a rather sodden disheveled mess on the floor. As a warm
drying breeze blows through the thread, hidden cupboards pop open,
displaying fresh linens, cutlery, and uniforms. The klaxons fall
silent, the alarm lights recede into the ceiling, and the watertight
doors slide back into the walls. The naked staff scurry to place the
linens and set tables as they dry off in the breeze. Suzette picks
wet teabags and soggy cigarette butts from her hair, and slinks off
to the employee lounge to clean up. She hates it when this happens.
At the buffet tables, the armor retracts with another series of loud
crashes, and gnome chefs begin to inventory the remaining culinary
delights, and prepare for the coming day. With a loud gurgle the
coffee begins to perk, the aroma of fresh coffee and baking
croissants (did I mention today is croissant day?) fills the thread,
and the front doors unlock and swing wide.
"Breakfast Thread reset complete."
Welcome to Tuesday!
(selected replies to Tuesday's post)
>>AllisonChains: may i join in?
*Myrmex pulls out a screwdriver and a pair of wire cutters* I'm sure
I can fix things... Just need to find an access panel... *starts
prying at tiles and wall panels with the screwdriver*
<snap>Daniel, come over here please. Allisonchains, this is Daniel.
Daniel is a long-distance swimmer. His endurance has to
be...endured... to be believed
;-) Daniel, please fetch for Allison.
<snap>Brianne, please help Myrm, hon. Show him how to open the
access panel, and ahhhh, hold his screwdriver for him.
Hmmmm... slow day, today...
<goes over to Lars in the armaments section>
Hand me the.... hmmmm.... I think the puffzooka please, medium
calibre, and a case of ammunition, I'll try the chocolate-covered
creampuffs.
<returns to breakfast thread, and strafes the entire thread with
creampuffs>
thoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoo
pthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoo
pthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoo
pthoopthoopthoopthoopthoopthoop pffffft
Aaaaaaargh! I'm jammed!
When you're ready, Kally, come on out to the patio, and rinse off in
the Perrier spa... oooo tickly bubbles!
BTW, I've removed the padlock from *that door*...
Gen, the staff are under strict orders to put clean uniforms on as
soon as they dry off after a thread reset. If they're found naked,
they will be disciplined... but of course, that's why they do it.
It's a little game we play...
;-)
*Innie opens That door, very carefully, and peeks head in*
<whispers>Just be careful, Innie, he should be fine, I think he's
calmed down some... You know those giant skirts, like the one in
Zephyr? Ever wonder what bit off the top half? Shhhh.... quietly
now, no sudden movements. You can feed him a croissant if you like,
put it on the end of this stick...
And whatever you do, NO FIRE! He HATES fire!
(...and Wednesday Morning...)
Welcome to Wednesday! Good Morning!
<unlocks hidden control box with thumbprint and retina scan>
<sets timer, pushes Big Red Button, closes control box>
"Breakfast Thread reset will occur at 12:00 midnight local time.
Countdown has begun..."
Goodnight everyone! See you in the morning!
Wednesday is... YOU decide day!
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